You begin loading your iPod with early 2000s hip hop containing explicit lyrics advisories.
Sign your midlife crisis will be lame: You immediately search for the Kidz Bop version of the same song so that you can listen to the tune in the minivan with the kiddos.
Incidentally, I can probably only pick out about 25% of the objectionable content in these songs -- most of it is probably so bad that 39 year old suburban soccer moms can't even understand it. I mean, I know that "smoke an L in the back of a Benz-y" is bad, but what about "We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold Ds?" Is that bad? I don't know. It definitely might be. The clean version of the song switches "smoke an L in the back of a Benz-y" to "ride in the back of a Benz-y" -- i.e., abject materialism rather than drugs, so it may be a marginal improvement but still probably still not a line I want Caroline serenading her preschool class with. So I guess I'll have to save Nelly for my headphones and stick with Adele for the car rides.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Tree-filled Weekend
It was a gorgeous weekend here, and we had an unusually empty calendar -- and that combo is the recipe for a great weekend. We took the kids to see The Lorax on Saturday, and everybody enjoyed it. One complaint that we'd heard about the movie is that it shamelessly exposes kids to a liberal agenda -- so of course David and I were all for it!! (although we prefer "progressive"). :-) It did make me feel really guilty about the 9 trees that I want to cut down in our backyard.
The kids are all about the photo booths, so after the movie they piled into one in the movie theater lobby and hammed it up. Goofballs.
But back to the trees. On Sunday we hit a hiking trail near our house, and while I've completely burned out on photography (yet another hobby bites the dust due to my inability to maintain any sense of moderation -- my friend Wendy says that I'm a serial hobbyist, which I think is charitable way to look at it) I did have my trusty phone with me, so I got a few shots. The kids enjoyed all of their favorite landmarks, like this one, which they've named the Bouncing Tree of Awesomeness:
Ah, throwing rocks into a stream: one of life's most soul-nourishing activities:
Except when my kids do it -- then rocks seem to have a way of infiltrating each other's no-fly zones, and we need to quickly move on.
Jacob and Elizabeth were playing some game that required them to hold hands at times:
So that wasn't actually a genuine moment of sibling affection, but I'll take it anyway!
We found the waterfalls, and the kids took turns going out onto the rocks with David while I stood back and kept repeating "be careful . . . be careful . . ."
The end.
The kids are all about the photo booths, so after the movie they piled into one in the movie theater lobby and hammed it up. Goofballs.
But back to the trees. On Sunday we hit a hiking trail near our house, and while I've completely burned out on photography (yet another hobby bites the dust due to my inability to maintain any sense of moderation -- my friend Wendy says that I'm a serial hobbyist, which I think is charitable way to look at it) I did have my trusty phone with me, so I got a few shots. The kids enjoyed all of their favorite landmarks, like this one, which they've named the Bouncing Tree of Awesomeness:
Ah, throwing rocks into a stream: one of life's most soul-nourishing activities:
Except when my kids do it -- then rocks seem to have a way of infiltrating each other's no-fly zones, and we need to quickly move on.
Jacob and Elizabeth were playing some game that required them to hold hands at times:
So that wasn't actually a genuine moment of sibling affection, but I'll take it anyway!
We found the waterfalls, and the kids took turns going out onto the rocks with David while I stood back and kept repeating "be careful . . . be careful . . ."
The end.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Rock on!
Last weekend David and I went with some friends to see the Black Jacket Symphony cover Jimi Hendrix's Are You Experienced?. What the Black Jacket Symphony does is cover an entire classic album from start to finish, staying completely true to the album (i.e. no rogue guitar rifts or crazy vocal arrangements in a misguided effort to personalize the songs). Then in the second act, it performs assorted greatest hits by that artist. These guys are REALLY talented and were so fun to watch. They had such a rock 'n roll energy about them -- you'd never know that by day they push paper around desks just like the rest of us!! My only wish is that they would consider branching out from classic rock a bit (they tend to like to cover bands like The Doors, The Who, etc). In fact the next day I said to David "how awesome would it be if they covered something like Thriller?" He likes classic rock more than I do, but he agreed that it would indeed be awesome. They have covered the Joshua Tree and Abbey Road, so there is hope. It's not like I'm asking them to do Sarah McLachlan's Fumbling Towards Ecstasy or anything {although how amazing would that be?} but the Foo Fighters or Pearl Jam shouldn't be too much to ask for, come on guys!
After the show, four of our friends decided to go out for a drink, but I ixnayed late night for us. I would be worried that this is a sign that I'm getting old, but then I remembered that I've been ixnaying late night with these same friends since my late 20s. I feel like I have some fun in me until about 10, maybe 10:30 p.m., and then I pretty much want to go to sleep. This is why my ideal social event is the Kentucky Derby -- you can start around 3:30 p.m. and then be done by 8 (and conversely, why New Year's Eve is my biggest nightmare -- especially because it's not usually good form to leave the party at 12:01 a.m.) But anyway. This was a really fun concert and I was in bed well before midnight, and in my book, that is a good night.
After the show, four of our friends decided to go out for a drink, but I ixnayed late night for us. I would be worried that this is a sign that I'm getting old, but then I remembered that I've been ixnaying late night with these same friends since my late 20s. I feel like I have some fun in me until about 10, maybe 10:30 p.m., and then I pretty much want to go to sleep. This is why my ideal social event is the Kentucky Derby -- you can start around 3:30 p.m. and then be done by 8 (and conversely, why New Year's Eve is my biggest nightmare -- especially because it's not usually good form to leave the party at 12:01 a.m.) But anyway. This was a really fun concert and I was in bed well before midnight, and in my book, that is a good night.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Selective hearing
This was the conversation around the breakfast table this morning.
Elizabeth: MoooOOOOOOoooommmmmmm! Caroline won't give me my Elizabeeeeth {American Girl doll}
Me: I'm sorry. I don't understand whine.
Elizabeth (in flat monotone): Mommy? Caroline won't give me my Elizabeth.
Caroline: I'm a little sister. I don't hear so much.
Ah, the old "distract them with a non sequitur" trick. And it worked. I think Caroline still had the Elizabeth doll when Elizabeth left for school. I will need to restore justice this afternoon.
Elizabeth: MoooOOOOOOoooommmmmmm! Caroline won't give me my Elizabeeeeth {American Girl doll}
Me: I'm sorry. I don't understand whine.
Elizabeth (in flat monotone): Mommy? Caroline won't give me my Elizabeth.
Caroline: I'm a little sister. I don't hear so much.
Ah, the old "distract them with a non sequitur" trick. And it worked. I think Caroline still had the Elizabeth doll when Elizabeth left for school. I will need to restore justice this afternoon.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Must be responsible, love children, and possess mad julienning skillz
We've started using an after school babysitter on occasion, and my kids adore her, not surprisingly, as she is young, cute, and energetic. I love her because she's mature, responsible, and naturally great with kids. The first few times she sat for us, she told me that I should leave a list for her of things that need to be done around the house and she'd be happy to tackle it while the kids were doing their homework. I kind of blew it off, but she was persistent. So eventually I started leaving her a list that looked something like this:
"Hey Courtney! IF you have time (but seriously, only if you have time) there are clean dishes in the dishwasher -- if you can put them away that would be great, but it is definitely not necessary so DO NOT worry about it if you can't get to it! Thanks!"
Well, despite the numerous outs that I attempted to give her, unloading the dishwasher proved to be no match for Courtney, so the next time she sat I left another note.
"Hi Courtney! Well, once again there are clean dishes in the dishwasher --go figure! -- so if you have time to unload, that would be awesome. Also, there is some clean laundry in a basket in the den that could stand to be folded -- but obviously, none of this is remotely essential so it is totally fine if there isn't time! Thanks! :-) Cathy"
Well, you guessed it, Courtney handled the children plus dishes plus laundry with aplomb. It was clearly time to see what she was really made of.
"Hi Courtney! I ran the dishwasher this morning so the dishes should be clean -- if you can put them away, that would be great. Thank you!! Also, there is some clean laundry in a basket in the den and some more in the dryer, if you have time (and you may well not!), would you mind folding? Also, I left a couple of sweet potatoes on the counter; I was going to make sweet potato fries to go with dinner tonight. Do you think you can peel the potatoes and cut them into kind of fry-like strips? Thank you SO much! Cathy"
And I came home to this:
Ohmygosh!! This must be what it's like to have a wife!! To come home at the end of a long day to an empty dishwasher, folded laundry and perfectly uniform sweet potato strips.
She graduates this spring and is moving back to Kentucky. I will weep.
"Hey Courtney! IF you have time (but seriously, only if you have time) there are clean dishes in the dishwasher -- if you can put them away that would be great, but it is definitely not necessary so DO NOT worry about it if you can't get to it! Thanks!"
Well, despite the numerous outs that I attempted to give her, unloading the dishwasher proved to be no match for Courtney, so the next time she sat I left another note.
"Hi Courtney! Well, once again there are clean dishes in the dishwasher --go figure! -- so if you have time to unload, that would be awesome. Also, there is some clean laundry in a basket in the den that could stand to be folded -- but obviously, none of this is remotely essential so it is totally fine if there isn't time! Thanks! :-) Cathy"
Well, you guessed it, Courtney handled the children plus dishes plus laundry with aplomb. It was clearly time to see what she was really made of.
"Hi Courtney! I ran the dishwasher this morning so the dishes should be clean -- if you can put them away, that would be great. Thank you!! Also, there is some clean laundry in a basket in the den and some more in the dryer, if you have time (and you may well not!), would you mind folding? Also, I left a couple of sweet potatoes on the counter; I was going to make sweet potato fries to go with dinner tonight. Do you think you can peel the potatoes and cut them into kind of fry-like strips? Thank you SO much! Cathy"
And I came home to this:
Ohmygosh!! This must be what it's like to have a wife!! To come home at the end of a long day to an empty dishwasher, folded laundry and perfectly uniform sweet potato strips.
She graduates this spring and is moving back to Kentucky. I will weep.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Late to the party
Ever since I've had kids, I haven't really watched TV. Now, I find that frequently when people say "I don't watch TV" they intend it in a morally superior way, so let me clarify upfront that I actually mean that in the exact opposite way -- i.e., my act is so far from together that I just can't seem to figure out when shows are on, or on what channel -- or maybe I know that something is on "Fox," but I have no idea what channel Fox is on the television -- or what day it's on -- and for some reason figuring it all out just seems too overwhelming. So it's not like I'm eschewing television in favor of Chaucer and a cup of Earl Grey, no, I either fall asleep before 9 p.m., or I default to HGTV and its invariable prime time showing of House Hunters International. But as a pop culture enthusiast, Facebook account holder, and frequent reader of celebrity gossip publications, I am aware that certain shows are out there in the world that lots of normal people watch. Like Glee.
I kind of got the gist of Glee over the past few years from reading about it -- a band of high school misfits who break into song with alarming regularity -- and I figured I'd like it if I could ever figure out where/when it was on, since I kind of fit the profile of the kind of person who would like Glee. But ohmygosh. I had NO IDEA. I started streaming Glee through my Amazon account last Sunday, and I am proud to say that I've watched all twenty two 44 minute episodes of Season 1 in one week flat. Yes, it took focus, commitment and discipline, but I was up to the challenge. I switched my workouts from running to riding the stationary bike so that I could have more Glee time. I started watching Glee with my Kindle and headphones while putting Caroline to bed (which results in a lot of "Caroline, put your head on the pillow -- no Glee for you!") I watch Glee while getting ready in the morning and before bed at night. There are really no words for how much I love this show. If you watch it, you totally know what I mean. If you don't, I can't really explain its awesomeness to you. You just have to watch. But if Neil Patrick Harris singing "Daydream Believer" in a patchwork sweater and full-on 80s mullet sounds like your jam, then tune in. I still can't tell you what day or what channel it's on, but the old episodes are readily available from Amazon (and probably Netflix).
I kind of got the gist of Glee over the past few years from reading about it -- a band of high school misfits who break into song with alarming regularity -- and I figured I'd like it if I could ever figure out where/when it was on, since I kind of fit the profile of the kind of person who would like Glee. But ohmygosh. I had NO IDEA. I started streaming Glee through my Amazon account last Sunday, and I am proud to say that I've watched all twenty two 44 minute episodes of Season 1 in one week flat. Yes, it took focus, commitment and discipline, but I was up to the challenge. I switched my workouts from running to riding the stationary bike so that I could have more Glee time. I started watching Glee with my Kindle and headphones while putting Caroline to bed (which results in a lot of "Caroline, put your head on the pillow -- no Glee for you!") I watch Glee while getting ready in the morning and before bed at night. There are really no words for how much I love this show. If you watch it, you totally know what I mean. If you don't, I can't really explain its awesomeness to you. You just have to watch. But if Neil Patrick Harris singing "Daydream Believer" in a patchwork sweater and full-on 80s mullet sounds like your jam, then tune in. I still can't tell you what day or what channel it's on, but the old episodes are readily available from Amazon (and probably Netflix).
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