Is it hot? Is it wet? Does it make you sweat?
Bix, Libby and Colleen decided to find out for themselves the other night, so they filled up our prep sink with packaging popcorn, lounged back, popped open a niiiiice cold Capri Sun, and had themselves a little hot tub party. Huuuuuh! Despite living in the Arctic 350 days a year, Colleen (or is it Libby? I am the only one in the house who can't tell them apart) proved to be a natural at soaking in those damaging UVA/UVB/60 watt rays:
And not only did she figure out how to work the iPod, but she found Jacob's favorite song from the "Jacob Boogie" playlist on our iPod, Hot in Herre by Nelly (don't judge):
I guess if you lived in the North Pole most of the year, you'd think it was Hot in Herre too.
Interestingly enough, when I went to Smith's the other day to order invitations for Elizabeth's birthday party, the lady taking my order was lamenting the fact that yet ANOTHER brand of elf had landed on the shelves at Smith's (this one is some kind of pocket elf) and shared her thoughts on elves in general:
Joyce: Now, Elf on the Shelf, I get. But elves that make mischief? Please explain this to me. Why would parents of young children want to make extra work for themselves this time of year?
Me: Yeah, that's beyond insane. You'd have to be a special kind of crazy.
Now, for what it's worth, back in our day, you didn't have an elf to suit every lifestyle and personality type. No, there was only one elf show in town, Elf Magic. It was elves that make mischief, or no elves at all, thankyouverymuch.
Well, now, Santa apparently sends some lucky families Elf on the Shelf:
Elf on the Shelf is basically "Big Brother" elf -- he sits on a shelf all day long and evaluates your children's behavior, and then reports back to Santa at the end of the day. The next morning, he will be sitting on a different shelf, and the children run around looking for him. He doesn't drive the car. He doesn't hang Dora panties on Melchior. He doesn't throw raging packaging popcorn hot tub parties while you sleep. He just moves to a different shelf. New parents and future parents, are you taking notes? That is www[dot]elfontheshelf[dot][com]. A tidy, well-behaved, omniscient elf that looms over your children and will rat them out to Santa whenever they are naughty? Oh, how I weep every time I think about how we missed getting in on the Elf on the Shelf action.
But what can I say, I doubt that Elf on the Shelf inspires these kind of heartfelt letters:
[To Elves, Me, Elizibeth and Caroline will miss you when you have to leave in 6 days. We have lots of fun together, don't we? Love, the Moores]
So bring it on elves! Tie the TP to the back of the big wheel and unroll it all over the damn house until you finally crash:
Write on our bathroom mirror with shaving cream if you must:
Ransack our drawers -- we understand that no self-respecting mischievous elves would let four years pass without breaking out that timeless classic:
And don't worry, we already know that you are nacissists. So if you feel like you must raid our art supplies, pose for and paint a ridiculous elf portrtait, knock yourselves out.
We can take it.